Drowning

"You know when you’re drowning you don’t actually inhale until right before you black out. It’s called voluntary apnea. It’s like no matter how much you’re freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won’t open your mouth until you feel like your head’s exploding. Then when you finally do let it in, that’s when it stops hurting. It’s not scary anymore, it’s… it’s actually kind of peaceful."

This is a quote from one of my favorite tv shows. Although this quote is about drowning, I feel like it can be applied to life as well. Think of it like this, instead of drowning in water, you're drowning in the struggle of life. You may be freaking out, you may be holding your breath until you feel like your head's exploding, but you can't let the pain and struggle in. You can't let yourself drown in everything that's going bad. So you hold your breath, you hold it until you can't anymore. Because that's the only way to survive right? Hold your breath, don't let the bad things in, and if you can hold on long enough maybe the bad things will go away. But sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes it feels like when you're just about to reach the surface, about to be able to catch your breath, something else happens and your pushed back under the water, harder and further than the last time and you're once again forced to struggle to survive. So you begin to wonder, "What if I just gave up? What if I just let myself drown? Then the pain would go away, right?" But there's always that voice in the back of your head telling you to hold on, saying just hold on a little longer, just a little bit longer. Now you have a choice, you could hold your breath just a little bit longer like the voice is telling you or you could give up and let the water in. What would you choose? Would you choose to survive, to hold on just that little bit longer? Or would you choose to give up? To let yourself drown so that you didn't have to feel the pain anymore? Would you choose to fight or give up?

It's not fair..

Why? Why do people get sick? Why do they get sick and die? It's not fair. It's not fair to the family. It's not fair to the person. It's just not fair. And I don't want to hear that crap that everything happens for a reason. This man.. He means the world to his family and now they're losing him? How does that have a reason? How is that even right? He won't see his son get married.. either of them. He won't be there to support him at his soccer games, or graduation. He'll miss some of the most important parts of his kids life. How is that fair? How can someone just be okay with this? Why? How can someone just.. get over that? How could you look at your kids and tell them daddy won't be around much longer, even if they knew he was sick? How could you handle that? How could you.. Not break? Not be angry? Not wonder how anything like this is right, fair.. sane.. It's just. It's just not fair. Not to anyone.

Ever feel alone? empty? worthless? abandoned? Like you're never going to amount to anything? Welcome to everyday of my life. To some people I'm perfect, because I put on a face. I can smile through all the pain I feel, I can laugh even when I would rather cry, I can crack jokes even when I don't want to speak. I can fool pretty much anyone and lie without blinking. It's not like I want to, but in this day and age if you show a weakness people take it as a sign to target you, and I'm not one to let people target me. I'm a fighter, always have been always will be. I'm the girl that everyone is always sort of afraid of because they never truly know what I'm thinking. They never truly know if I'll do what I'm saying I'll do. I'm the mystery girl and I like it that way. But sometimes it sucks to be so closed up, because you have no one to talk to. You always feel like there's no one you can trust. You may wonder why I'm posting any of this but this is how I'll get my feelings out. This is how I'll talk without anyone really knowing who I am. This is my escape. I hope you enjoy.